Crazy Little Fic Called Love
by The Lilac Pilgrim
Summary: Zim suddenly has a change of character and falls madly in love with his arch-nemesis. Oddly enough, Zim cannot see why this is a problem, though everyone around him is freaked. Will Zim get the boy of his dreams? Probably not... But let watch anyway.
1. The Enemy Of My Enemy Is Myself In Love

It was at Skool, after what felt like years of hating the Dib-human that he finally realised the impossible.

What had happened was this: Dib was on one of his "ZIM'S an ALIEN!" rants again. There was nothing different about this one, but for some odd reason, Zim had noticed things about Dib he'd never noticed before. The way the child's body swished so unfathomably sensuously as he writhed in a psychological anguish, pointing elegant, accusing fingers at the Irken. Yes, it was true the Dib was a mere child... but he was so... cute. The angry eyes of his nemesis met his contacts and his squeedilyspooch began to expand and contract wildly like the dreaded Blagoogly when in a blind rage.

Zim, though Irken, selfish and seemingly unable to feel affection, human or Irken, was in love.

Now, back at the base, Zim was keying in house coordinates to the computer.

"Computer," he sighed as the stinking human's home came into view. "Get me the phone number for that house."

"**555-2713,**" the computer responded. Zim smiled stupidly as he leaned into the controls without any regard for what he was hitting. A blender switched on somewhere in the background.

"Computer," he chirped again, his eyes fixed onto the house of the person only the day before he had hated with a passion. "Have you ever been in love?"

The computer seemed to think for a moment. "**Er... I'm just a computer, Zim.**"

"Isn't it a wonderful feeling?" the so-called Invader carried on, not really listening.

"**Um...**" The computer seemed confused. "**I guess it could be... Sorta... Maybe.**"

"Computer, I want you to send twelve roses to the house door. There has to be poetry on it; dark, brooding sensitive poetry, straight from the center of the squeedilyspooch."

"**If you want it to be personal, shouldn't you write the poem?**"

Zim laughed in a smug way. "Oh, Computer, you just don't understand my genius!" He traced a loveheart into the control panel in front of him. A cry of 'Ow! My eye!' could be heard outside. "And while you're at it, make sure you sign it with lots of kisses."

"**O...kay...**" Though not quite sure of what was going on, the computer set all these tasks to run in the background.

Whatever was to happen in the next few days, Zim quietly agreed with himself that it would be interesting. He slumped over the controls in a love-induced trance. The faint stomping of an odd and unfinished destruction device could be heard deeper underground.

* * *

The next day, Dib had woken to a bunch of flowers in the face. Spitting out the petals that had made their way into his mouth, he sat up bolt upright. Gaz stood above him, arms folded.

"These arrived for you this morning," she said, foot tapping impatiently. "Your stupid little friend sent them."

With an eerie cloud following her out of the room, she disappeared, Dib was confused. Little friend? He had a look at the card attached to the flowers; blood red roses. It read:

_To My Darling Human,_

_How I long to feel your skin against my own..._

_Human nosebleed is red_

_A choking human is blue_

_Who'd ever have dreamed up_

_That I could love you?_

_I need to have you so I wrote you that poem._

_Lots of dark, brooding and wonderful human ritualistic hugs and kisses,_

_ZIM_

Dib was overcome with suspicion. What kind of twisted plan was Zim up to now? Taking care to remember to bring the flowers to Skool with him, he got ready to go, fuming with anger and paranoia over this odd, unknown "affection".

* * *

"I know you're up to something, Zim!" he yelled as he reached the classroom, throwing the roses into the alien's face. Zim just blinked in mock-confusion. "I don't know what it is, but I'll figure it out!"

"I haven't a clue what you mean," the badly-disguised green "boy" said. "Thanks for the flowers though..." He held them close to him cheek. "I will treasure them forever..."

The would-be paranormal investigator was about to start yelling some more when he saw that the Irken was being serious, rubbing the flower petals hungrily against his green face.

"Er..." He was almost speechless, seeing something so completely unexpected like this in front of his whole class. "There's all kinds of things wrong with this scenario..."

But Zim didn't agree with what his Dib had just said. After all, love is love... is it ever wrong?


	2. You Just Don't Get It

_A/N: Okay, I didn't put a disclaimer or any author notes at the start because, well, this is we know you don't own any of this stuff. There's author's notes this time because I felt the following chapter was a bit "serious". Really it's not... none of this is._

_Thanks for the interest and review(s). Enjoy!_

* * *

Back at his base, Zim was spying furiously on his Dib. All night would be spent surveilling him. He was thankful that Irken technology meant that he could even watch the boy sleeping.

He sighed a long, high pitched sigh, clasping his fingers together and resting his head upon them. His antennae quivered slightly as he watched the Dib human turn to face the camera he didn't know was even looking at him.

"Oh my big-headed Dib," he murmured, dark pink eyes dragging him closer to the screen."Were you mine, I'd always take care of you..."

GIR appeared in the doorway then, carrying a stuffed toy of some description, as GIR (apparently) tends to do.

"_I'm_ yours, Master," the little robot pointed out, having one of his more intelligent moments. "And you usually don't care what I do."

"**And I'm yours,**" the computer piped up. "**And you pretty much just yell at me and make me look up useless stuff.**"

Zim turned from the screen, body tensed in anger, or maybe angst.

"Silence!" he yelled at his mechanical servants. "This is different!" He pointed at the image on the screen; Dib was covering himself up with his blanket. "This is my one true love!"

"But Master --"

"SHUT UP!" The Irken kicked his chair, a big mistake, since he caught the chair at a bad angle and stubbed his toe. "Owowow! You don't understand me!" He stomped his foot. "None of you do!" he added in a low voice.

"**Zim, this is weird,**" the computer said, honest as always. "**I mean, you're always weird but this is completely out of character, even for you.**"

The invader took his place back in the seat that had so cruelly injured him earlier. "You just don't get it," he said, instructing the camera to look beyond the covers. "You just don't get it."

* * *

At Skool the following morning, Zim left a gift on his beloved's desk. This would surely get his attention! Running giggling stupidly back to his own seat, he waited, fidgeting endlessly until Dib entered the classroom and walked over to his seat, making sure to walk widely around the green kid, who had recently got insanely unpredictable.

"Hey, what the--?" The large-headed boy saw the gift, wrapped in gold on his desk.

"You should open it, Dib," Zim piped up, blinking fast as though trying to bat invisible lashes. "I think you'll like it."

"Yeah right!" the human scoffed, leaping back up from his seat. "Open it to have a big space-creature fly out into my face?! Do you think I'm that stupid?"

"I don't think you're stupid at all, Dib!" The alien looked genuinely hurt. "I think you should open your gift... If you don't, Zim will be sad... Do you wish to upset Zim?"

All eyes in the class were looking at Dib. His face was red with embarrassment - what kind of humliation was Zim tying to cause? And why was he so persistent?

"I don't really care, Zim!" he said, batting the gift onto the floor. Zim's bottom lip wobbled and his eyes teared up. Ms Bitters coiled up behind Dib, glaring.

"Dib!" she yelled in the boy's ear, causing him to leap up into the air, startled. "You've littered the floor with your present! As punishment you will open your admirer's gift in front of the entire class!"

"But Ms Bitters!" he yelled in protest, wrought with anger, embarrassment and paranoid confusion. "It's obviously a trap! Why would my worst enemy buy me a _gift_?!"

"Open it _now_, Dib, or you'll be spending lunch in detention!"

Dib thought for a moment and raised an eyebrow. "I'll spend lunch in detention for _not_ wasting class time by opening a suspicious package?"

A growl from the demonic class mistress was all it took for the boy to reluctantly begin unwrapping the thing. Zim watched earnestly, making Dib even more suspicious. Beads of sweat began to form on his brow as he guessed at the contents. A parasitic squid beast maybe? Or perhaps a rabid mongoose?

Closing his eyes, he turned the box upside down at arms length to let the "gift" fall to the floor. Hopefully he'd still be able to run when he saw what it was.

Seeing it's identity made him want to be able to melt into the floor.


	3. Confusing Behaviour

"_I wuv oo!"_

The whole class erupted into violent, sneering laughter as Dib stared down at the _thing_. It appeared to be some kind of grotesque teddy bear, pink and fluffy with a big bow on one of it's misshapen ears. On it's belly was a message proclaiming "WUV OO ALWAYS!", and it's mismatched eyes gazed at the large-headed boy vacantly as it continued drawling about "wuv".

Zim sighed, sprawling backwards over his desk to look at his love upside down.

"Don't you love it, Dib-human?" he sighed. Boy, he sure sighs a lot.

Dib's mouth was agape in horror. No, of course he didn't love it! In fact, he thought he might tell Zim _exactly those words_.

"No, of course I don't love it!" he screeched, hopping back from the squished looking toy as though it were diseased. "What's in it, huh? A bomb set to go off if I hug it? A stink bomb that'll put me to sleep? A time paradox?!"

Zim looked stunned, in a bad way.

"Dib-love, it's really not what you think!" he protested, adopting a super-cool emo pose in the middle of the classroom, as though he was ready to rip out his heart as a gift to the boy with the ridiculously large head. He could try it; he had no real use for the three of them anyway.

"Ms Bitters!" Dib yelled, disbelief tainting his voice. "Why are you letting this just continue?!"

The spindly teacher of DOOM thought about this for a brief moment.

"You're right, I've got to teach you brats, unfortunately." She grabbed the offending plushie and slammed it down on Dib's desk. He cowered in fear of it exploding or something, but all it seemed to do was emit a loud squeal of 'Zim WUUUUUUVS you!', causing even more laughter amongst the relentless skool-children. "Dib, thank Zim for your disgustingly cute present."

"But - I --" Thank Zim for a confusing present?! There had to be something behind this, there just had to be… Otherwise nothing would make sense ever again, and very possibly the world would implode or something not too dissimilar.

However, he was more worried about the fearful wrath of Ms Bitters as she ground her teeth in a loud, animalistic snarl, indicating that he should obey.. Or else.

Scowling like a rottweiler chewing a wasp, Dib approached the green-skinned "child" with a hand extended. He grudgingly looked away as he offered said hand to Zim, who was still sprawled indecently across his desk.

"Thanks, I guess," he grumbled under his breath. Zim stared at the boy's hand with wide-eyed disbelief, a strange feeling rising within him, an excited happiness that caused him to shake it with so much vigour that he almost snapped the Dib's wrist… his pretty, pale wrist……

"Isn't that nice?" Ms Bitters drawled sardonically, addressing the entire class. "Now, today's lesson is about the horrible truths of today, starting with the invention of peanut butter…"

Dib returned to his seat then, his arm now aching from Zim's depraved enthusiasm for him. It was completely insane! Why was Zim acting this way? If only he could figure out what sick twisted plot the Irken was scheming this time. He watched with narrowed eyes as his nemesis proceeded to wrap the hand he'd used to shake with in cellophane. Which was incredibly odd; who carries cellophane around with them on the off chance that it might be useful? Maybe he was plotting to destroy him with cellophane! That fiend!

Although… he couldn't really figure out exactly how that would work in the first place.

Meanwhile, over at Zim's desk, Ms Bitters words were lost to the sound of love within the Irken's mind. He was now so preoccupied with Dib that he hadn't called the Tallest in days. Surely they'd understand in this case - surely they knew how it felt to be so completely enamoured. Come on, you try to tell me there's nothing going on there! Huh? HUH?

As the Skool-bell rang, Zim watched Dib leave the room, giving him the most wonderful glower in passing. Sighing deeply, he followed the Dib-child out into the playground, where he would spend all day watching him, watching Dib watching him watching Dib… It was going to be a fun day!


End file.
